Starting tomorrow

What an amazing roller coaster my mind has been on the last week.  After hearing cancer free (Praise the Lord!) last Friday, I just struggled with doing chemo therapy as "preventative" medicine.  I just could not embrace that AT ALL.  I went to pick up my prescription meds on Sunday and even drove up to stop and the drive thru window at the pharmacy and ... then.... I just kept on driving. I didn't stop to pick them up because I told myself I wasn't going to do the treatment. (Please laugh with me here!)  Remember, I was alone - so there wasn't anyone else in the car to talk me through that :)  And just so you know, I did pick my meds later this week. 

Last night, I had a girls night out with a "Girl Power" group that was formed as a support group for me.  We went and had pedicures, relaxed and enjoyed an awesome dinner and even a smoothie as a bonus!  At the end of the evening we sat down and they shared Bible verses with me that each had prepared just for me.  Everyone had a different verse and they all meant so much to me.  We focused on fear and how we are not to fear this world and respond in worldly ways.  We focused on peace - only the peace that can come from the Lord.  I was reminded that it is okay to feel down, weak and struggling but I can rejoice in Hope and know that I am surrounded by God's loving hands.  It helped me change my whole train of thought.  So when I woke up today, I decided that instead of trying to find peace in going through the chemo treatments, I would rest in Jesus my Savior and find my peace in Him.  I thought I had to be totally fine with doing the treatments but realized I just need to trust in Jesus 100% and THAT is what I CAN do. 

I have been eating extremely healthy these last couple of weeks.  It's been hard work to get all fresh foods and prepare them but boy has it made a difference AND it tastes good too!  We have meals scheduled out for the next several months from church, neighborhood and friends - just amazing!!  A sweet friend from work knitted me a couple of hats and crocheted me a wrap.  Good friends stopped by tonight with a soup and bread to have on hand (I have already had a piece of the bread and it's yummy!) for nausea and lemon drops to have while getting the treatments to help with the taste in my mouth.  I also received a hand made pink quilt that is so super soft and has really cool patches - one with a pink ribbon and very encouraging cards. Another friend also left a card and a beautiful necklace in my mailbox.  I also have another fun event scheduled for next week to look forward to.  I have a wonderful boss that has been so kind to talk me through this whole situation and has been extremely supportive.  I have had numerous texts, emails, messages, cards and letters in the mail, phone calls and hugs today.  Thank you, thank you, thank you dear Lord for all of these wonderful people you have placed in life.  I am truly amazed at all of the miracles through this journey.

We have to arrive for my treatment at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow morning.  They say it will last about 3 1/2 hours and could be longer if they would have to slow things down.  We will plan to do a brief update tomorrow to keep you all up-to-date. 

Love and hugs,
Tammy

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.  Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

Good news!!!!!

We arrived for the blood draw today and then had to wait for the appointment with the doctor.  I know the doctors usually run a little behind on appointments but we were just ready to hear the results of the scan.  She was running a little over 30 minutes behind.  It felt like we waited in the room for forever!!  When she came in, she had someone with her.  (When we went to hear the results of the biopsy, the doctor came in with a nurse.  This nurse then helped set up several appointments to take care of the diagnosis they just gave me of breast cancer.)  So when Dr. Kakani came in with someone, my heart just sank. (I later found out that Chris was thinking the same thing!)  But this was only a med student making rounds with her.  The first results she shared were from the blood work.  We could see on the screen in big red letters "abnormal".  This was the reading for the cancer marker.  I guess everyone has it in their blood.  The normal range is 37 or below.  Mine was 38.1 - which she said did not concern her because of having had cancer and recent surgery.  So that made us feel better.  And then she said that the PET scan results were clear!!!  Praise the Lord for this good news.  I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders when she told us that.  She also told us that I was CANCER FREE.  I just really loved hearing those words!!  Then she explained the chemo a little more again and prescribed some anti-nausea and steroid meds to take while going through chemo.  And then she waited through all of our questions before she walked us back to the chemo training.  I love that she doesn't make us feel rushed to ask questions.

I will have to say it was a little weird walking into where they administer the chemo therapy.  All kinds of different smells.  A nurse went over the drugs and all of the side effects.  Which all just seem so horrible to hear.  And in my head I am thinking... okay they told me I was cancer free and I am going to do what???   My mind was screaming - NO!  But these are also all what 'could' happen.  So I am just going into this thinking that my body is going to be strong (they keep telling me that because of my age, good health and weight that I shouldn't have too much problem).  There are only 4 cycles that will take a total of 9 weeks.  They did confirm that I would lose all of my hair everywhere - including my eyebrows... that is weird to think about.  The first treatment will take a little longer than all the rest (3-3 1/2 hrs).  They will also be giving me another drugs along with the chemo to help combat several symptoms.  Thankfully, Chris can be in the room with me.  They said they will keep a very close watch on me as will Dr. Kakani.  They want to know if I experience anything at all out of the ordinary. 

Chris and I left and went through Frozen Custard drive through and got large twist cones to celebrate!!

I am going to trust my Heavenly Father to help me endure through this round of treatment.  It's not going to be easy at all.  I cannot do it alone but "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!!" (Philippians 4:13)

Thanks again for everything - I feel like I say thank you so much but yet it feels like I cannot say it enough.

Love,
Tammy
 

Pet scan.....check!

I made it through the pet scan today.  It wasn't bad at all.  They do the pet scans in a trailer outside of the building.  They first had me sit down and they did a radioactive tracer injection through a vein in my arm.  This tracer will go to any higher active tissues in my body and show any cancer.  Then I had to relax while kicked back in a recliner for 45 minutes to allow the injection to go through my whole body.  I thought the time would go by slow but it actually gave me time to pray and the time went by really fast.  Then they took me in for the scan.  This time I was face up (MRI was face down) and had to put my arms over my head.  It wasn't loud at all.  And when my head had passed outside of the loop of the camera the technician came in and told me my head was out and I could open my eyes.  That really helped a lot because then my mind didn't get the best of me.  My arms felt like they were falling asleep!  She showed me the timer on the machine so I could actually see how much time was left.  Once it was finished she had me stay there for a minute while check checked the scan.  She then asked if I would be around any young children.  I told her the ages of my kids and she said that is nothing to worry about.  When I asked her why, she said it was because I was still radioactive and they didn't want my cuddling with any young children!! :)  Before I left I asked if the results would be ready for my appointment tomorrow and she said yes.  Then I wondered, did she see something?? 

Before we left the imaging center, I asked if to see if Dawn was working.  She was working so I got a chance to say hello and thank her again for being so wonderful at the very beginning of my journey. She is the one that did my mammogram and ultrasound and offered to be with me at my biopsy. I really wanted to thank her for all she does and give her a big hug. 

Now that the scan is over anxiety has set in for the results.  But we will know the results tomorrow.  I know God already knows the results but it hit me hard thinking "what if" the scan shows cancer somewhere else in my body. I am trying really hard to only focus on God's plan and not the what ifs. I am praying hard for a clean scan as a baseline to move forward. I am looking forward to meeting with the doctor and attending the chemo training class tomorrow.

Thank you so very much for all of your prayers, cards, phone calls, messages, hugs and support this week.

Love,

Tammy

First treatment scheduled

Here's a much needed new family picture.  I got my hair cut on Friday and haven't had it this short since 3rd grade.  I thought it would be a good transition to losing my hair.  I really love it and like that fact that it doesn't take long to fix.

This week, I have my pet scan on Thursday and an appointment with Dr. Kakani on Friday along with more blood work and a chemo teaching class.  My first treatment will be on Friday, July 15th. The current plan is to have 4 cycles (treatments) three weeks apart.  After I am finished with the chemo treatments we will take a short break and then do radiation.  Then after the radiation they want me to do the Tamoxifen for 5 years.  A good friend of ours sat down with me tonight to help explain cancer treatment in detail.  He has been researching cancer for many years and his company is in the stages of developing a targeted chemo therapy.  He helped me understand so much more and feel more at ease with the treatment.  Even though my chemo therapy will not be targeted only at any cancer cells, it does not get absorbed by every cell in my body as I had thought.  It does attack any rapid growing cells which is what cancer is but also your hair, intestine, and white & red blood cells are rapid growing cells.  My prayer is that I can bounce back strong after each chemo cycle and not have extreme symptoms.  It has been hard to hear of all the symptoms that "may" happen because it makes my mind wander.  But to steal this from John Piper... "I believe in God's power to heal - by miracle and by medicine."  I found this in an awesome article entitled "Don't Waste Your Cancer"  If you are interested in the article  here's a link: Pastor John Piper article  It's a very good read and gives me a whole different perspective on being diagnosed and fighting cancer.

I feel so very thankful and blessed to have so many people supporting me and my family.  I have been so humbled by the response from everyone.  So many of you have asked how you can help.  It's so hard to ask for help sometimes.  I will try to be better at letting you know.  I will also try harder to update the blog more frequently.

My cure rate may only be 90% but I am 100% certain that Christ will be with me every step of the way and I am part of His perfect plan!

Love to you all,
Tammy   

Treatment

I was having a really down couple of days when I wrote my last post.  Thanks so much for letting me be transparent. I had lost sight of knowing and resting in God's perfect plan for my life.  I was struggling with treatment options and all of the fear and uncertainty.  I have had so much to think about but the meetings this week have helped me refocus a bit. 

We had a couple of good meetings this week.  Monday was our first consultation with my local oncologist, Dr. Kakani.  We really liked her.  She went through my history and pathology report to understand everything.  She said she was also going to call my surgeon to discuss things to be sure she has all the information.  She also ordered blood to be drawn and tested and a pet scan for next week.  That made total logical sense to us.  That is what I thought an oncologist would do - get a baseline on me after surgery and before we do any treatment to see where I am at.  Because I wondered - what if it was somewhere else??  She also wanted to wait 4 weeks from surgery to allow my incisions to heal from surgery before starting the  chemo.  I asked her about alternative forms of treatments.  She said that chemo is they only thing they have now to work with.  She said we want to get as high of a cure rate as possible.  I asked her about diet and nutrition.  She said all of that would be fine.  I just wish oncology doctor's offices would educate people more on that for during and after treatment. 

She had wondered about taking all of the rest of they lymph nodes from under my arm.  She was going to discuss this with Dr. Kennedy.  They set up my pet scan for next week and then a follow-up appointment with her the next day.  And I have to say that the lady that drew my blood there was absolutely fantastic!!!  She took 4 vials and I hardly felt anything and it went really fast. 

Yesterday's meeting was my post-op appointment with my surgeon.  There is still some swelling but everything is healing well.  When I asked my surgeon about alternatives to chemo, she said that the have good data on chemo and we don't want to focus on a 5 year survival rate but a 50 year survival rate. We talked about not doing the surgery of taking out all the lymph nodes under my arm.  She said that she doesn't want to do things because they have always done them a certain way.  She wants to do what is best for me and my case.  She will talk with Dr. Kakani and the new radiologist that will be coming in August to determine what is best for me and extreme long term survival. 

I stopped in the shop at the hospital to briefly look at wigs and head wraps.  I still feel in denial that I am going to lose my hair.  I just cannot believe it.  They gave me a packet of information to look through and the side effects just make my stomach turn.  But I know that I can trust God's plan in this and He will hold me tight through all of this along with my family and friends.  I also know that my sweet Adam is good with picking out clothes and glasses that look good on me.  So I plan to have him assist me in the head gear process. :)

I am currently doing natural alternatives to fight the cancer in my body.  I have also made a lot of diet changes.  I truly wish that I could only do these alternatives and decline on the chemo.  But I am too worried about human error on my part in doing these steps. I am so very, very thankful for the support from Noreen and Pat! 

I am so thankful for all of the cards, notes, messages, calls, hugs, meals that we have received this week. 

I'm tired so I am going to bed now.  As Sarah prayed tonight, "Dear Lord, please take away all the cancer in Mommy's body and make her better."  In Jesus name Amen!

Love,
Tammy

Next step??

On our way to go camping Friday, I called to make the appointment with the oncologist in Indy.  My first choice doctor did not have an appointment until July 5th.  I didn't think it would be good to wait that long.  So I took the next available doctor who had an appointment on Monday at 9:30 a.m.  I thought meeting with an oncologist meant double checking to make sure the cancer wasn't anywhere else in my body before we determined treatment options.  Since my surgeon's team was meeting on Tuesday to discuss my case, I thought it would be beneficial to meet with an oncologist to have all my bases covered.

We had such a wonderful weekend camping with great friends.  Plenty of relaxation time, good times out on the boat, watching the kids go tubing for the first time, trying to save a nest of baby birds that had made the trip in the hitch of one of the campers without their mommy (and for those who know me well - please know that I made it my extra special mission to try to save these poor little things!), songs around the camp fire, absolutely beautiful weather (even though they said there was a 60% chance of storms), and eating, eating and more eating!!  Chris had woke up Sunday morning with an eye infection so we drove straight from the camp site back to town with a stop at urgent care.  He couldn't even open his eyes and had extreme pain.  So that left me with the task of unloading the van from camping :)  But that also meant that I would be driving to the appointment the next morning.

On Monday morning, I was a bit anxious thinking about driving 1 1/2 hours through the severe storms to get to the hospital.  We actually kind of followed the storm and didn't get into the extreme heavy rain until we reached Carmel and were only about 10 minutes from the hospital.  We thankfully made it right on time.  We sat and waiting for about 30 minutes before they called my name.  They took us back to an exam room.  We waiting close to another 20 minutes before the doctor (oncologist) came in.  He said he talked with my surgeon this morning but mentioned another name.  When I asked who he was referring to, he said he meant to say Dr. Kennedy.  He said he needed a minute to look through all of my chart.  He said the size of the mass in the lymph node was 6 mm - which is small.  Based upon the lymph node involvement and my age, he said that he would not recommend more surgery but he recommends aggressive chemo therapy, followed by intense radiation and then followed by hormone therapy.  He said that he wanted to run a print out and go over it with me. 

As we talked, his cell phone rang several times and he kept checking it.  Then he said excuse me and took a couple of calls.  He apologized but it was so very distracting and Chris and I really struggled with the interruptions.  He said they would come get us and take us to a consultation room to talk.  But then he came back into the room and had the paperwork.  He had plugged my stats into a computer program to generate a flow chart of what my treatment should be based upon my age, breast cancer and lymph node involvement.  He said that there were a couple of options for the chemo therapy.  The minute he said chemo therapy, he was saying things that I did NOT want to hear and did NOT want to accept as a form of treatment.  So I told him that I wasn't comfortable with the chemo because it would destroy the good cells in my body.  But he said that we need to be sure there are not any little seeds that had been planted anywhere else in my body that would appear in the years to come.  He said that one option would be TC (two drugs) for 4 cycles - this would provide an 88% cure rate.  The other option was the AC-T (3 drugs) that would provide a 90% cure rate but he was concerned about the "A" drug causing heart damage for me since I was so young.  And he didn't want to kill me with the chemo.  He recommend the best option would be the TC every 3 weeks for 4 cycles.  He recommended doing Thursdays for treatment.  He said he would give me several other drugs to help me tolerate the treatment and be able to function at work on Friday - then rest all weekend and go back to work on Monday.  All I could think was that I don't want the chemo in my body at all.  I want to keep my good cells so they can continue to fight for me.  Why would I want to kill my good cells?  He said my side effects would/could be sickness, weakness, extreme tiredness, loss of my monthly cycles and that I would feel totally out of it.  Um... no thank you - is all I could hear in my head.  He said that he would be at the team meeting the next day and would recommend chemo as the next step.  He said to just email him on Tuesday afternoon for an update and set up a time to meet for the first treatment next week.  NEXT WEEK?  Oh my.  I just couldn't believe it.  I asked if I would lose my hair and he said yes.  He said it would be a shock to me since I have probably worn my hair long for some time but that I would look good... how would he know anyway I thought..??  Then he said that my hair would grow back curly.  I really don't want to lose my hair either.  So my mind was just swirling away with so many thoughts.  As we left, he told me to email him on Tuesday afternoon, and he would let me know what the final decision the team determined.  Chris and I left to go to lunch and head home and I was just in shock again.  I couldn't believe that I have to consider chemo.

After I thought more and more, I decided to call my surgeon's nurse and let her know that I would prefer my surgeon to let me know the results of the team meeting instead of following up with the oncologist.  I told her I felt that we didn't have a very good meeting with the oncologist and I would prefer to have Dr. Kennedy pass along the results because we have 100% confidence in her. 

So on Tuesday, I went back to work.  It felt odd walking into the building.  It just felt that I was a different person or something.  I can't really describe the feeling.  It was nice to be back in the office.  I just adore the people I work with and they have rallied around me and been so very supportive.  I had several flower arrangements waiting for me on my desk along with some chocolate :)  I was really hoping to be positive on my first day back at work but I was really struggling.  I was still very unsettled from the meeting the day before and I was trying to accept the fact that I may need to have chemo.  Dr. Kennedy called right after lunch to give me the team's decision.  She said that the general feeling of the committee was that there was no benefit to do more surgery but the correct next step would be chemo.  She said that since the results from the surgery were more serious, we needed to step up treatment and respond more aggressively.  She then asked why we felt our meeting didn't go well the day before.  I explained that some of it was that he was saying things that I didn't want to hear but the biggest thing was him taking the couple of phone calls during our meeting.  She said there has been much debate among many doctors on how accessible they are.  She chooses to wait and return calls later, while he is always available to patients and other doctors.  She said both methods take much heat from all directions.  She said it's very important to feel absolutely comfortable with my doctors.  She said there is no limit to the opinions we seek and we should find a doctor that is compatible with my personality. 


I told her that since we had discussed having my treatment local, that I would like to consult with a local oncologist.  She said that her nurse would call and set up the appointment for me.  That appointment is set for Monday morning at 8:45 a.m.  I had also received a call on Tuesday from radiation oncologist office.  They wanted to know if I would like to have a consultation meeting with them now or after chemo.  She said it was totally up to me and the didn't want to overwhelm me.  So I told her I would really like to meet before.  So she said she would add an appointment to meet them right after my consultation with the oncologist.  I also have a post-op meeting with Dr. Kennedy on Tuesday to go over my final path report in detail and to check to be sure my incisions are healing. 

I want to be sure I understand everything before I make my final decision on treatment.  I have a whole list of questions for the doctor and also our good friend who researches cancer treatment.  I guess I want to know for sure that there is something else in my body to put such strong things in that will destroy my good cells too.  And I guess the oncologist doesn't determine if there is other cancer in my body, they just treat me for what was found.  If there was a targeted chemo therapy that only attacked my cancer cells but still made me sick, I would do it.  I won't bore you with my list of questions, but I am hoping Monday and Tuesday will provide me with the answers I need to feel confident in my next step. 

To be honest, I am really struggling right now.  Thanks again for your prayers.  I really, really appreciate them.  I am praying that God will help me to see clear what my next step should be - even if it is not what I would want. 

Love,
Tammy

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31 
 

Pathology report from surgery

My doctor called me with the pathology results from my surgery last night.  

Unfortunately, they did find cancer in 1 of the 3 sentinel lymph nodes.  So they have diagnosed me with Stage 2 breast cancer.  But they were able to get a clear margin around the tumor which is good.  The tumor was only 2 cm and she said it was smaller than originally measured on one of the films.  She said her next step is to present my case to her team next Tuesday.  Together as a team, they will determine what the next best step would be for me.  So this may mean doing another surgery to remove the remaining lymph nodes in the hollow of my arm pit.  Or she said, it may mean that treatment will be sufficient.  She said that she was very optimistic that the other lymph nodes would be clear.  With my age, she said that her focus is for very long-term survival.  So if we need to go back in for another surgery, then that is what we will do to strive for the very long-term survival.  They will call me today to set up an appointment with a medical oncologist.  She also said that after I met with this oncologist, they would help me to find treatment her locally so that I would not have to drive to Indy for any treatment. 

I will be honest to say that I really struggled with this news.  Not what I had hoped to hear and it brought back so much fear and worry that I had experienced with the first diagnosis.  I also feel like there is more uncertainty again.  Our good friend who studies cancer and cancer research told Chris that the cancer being in the lymph node is not necessarily a bad thing. He said that is the body's natural defense against the cancer. I thought that it meant that it was spreading through my whole body. He said that the body detects the cancer and takes it to the lymph nodes as a defense mechanism.  I would like to talk with him more to understand this process. 

Adam was very quiet and Sarah was very upset with the news.  I laid in bed and talked with her and prayed with her to try to help with all her worries.  She thought that this meant I was going to die really soon.  She said she didn't want me to go and that she would always love me no matter what.  It just broke my heart and I told her she needed to trust God with me and know that He is in control and He is with us.  She and I read through the Matthew 6 passages on worry this morning.  Adam asked some detailed questions this morning.  He wanted to know if the cancer was a lump in my armpit and wanted to know if you could feel it. 

I don’t know God’s plan for me with this struggle yet but I know I need to trust Him every step of the way.  Even though this path will be difficult and it's not what I would have chosen, I know in my heart that the Lord has a perfect plan through this entire journey.  

Thank you all so much for your support and prayers.  I am so overwhelmed by all the support and know that we will need it in the weeks to come. 

Love,

Tammy